Essay
The Things We Hide
Most of us packed parts of ourselves away to fit in. Taking them back out is part of growing up.
Every child learns, quickly, which parts of them are welcome. Maybe anger was not allowed in your house. Maybe sadness was, but only quietly. Maybe being loud, or needy, or too much got a look that said put that away.
So we put it away. The poet Robert Bly described this as filling a bag we drag behind us: everything that did not earn approval goes in, and by adulthood the bag is long and heavy. Carl Jung called these hidden parts the shadow.
The Bag Does Not Stay Closed
What goes in the bag does not disappear. It leaks. The anger we never learned to feel shows up as resentment, or as sudden blowups that surprise everyone. The tenderness we hid shows up as numbness. The ambition we were told was selfish shows up as envy of people who seem to have permission we do not.
What we hid to stay safe as children often becomes what keeps us stuck as adults.
Taking Things Back Out
The work is not to dump the bag out all at once. It is to get curious about one thing at a time. What did I learn was not allowed? What would it be like to let a little of it back in, in a safe place, with someone who will not flinch?
Often the things we hid turn out to carry real gifts: energy, honesty, warmth, a voice. Getting them back is a large part of feeling whole again.
One Thing to Try
Think of someone who irritates you more than they should. Ask, gently, what quality in them you were taught not to have. Sometimes the irritation points straight at something you packed away.
Further Reading
- A Little Book on the Human Shadow, Robert Bly, 1988
- Man and His Symbols, Carl Jung and others, 1964
Written in our own words, from ideas in the work above. Michael shared these books or cites them in his own study.
This article is a general reflection, not medical or clinical advice. If you are in crisis, call or text 988 in the United States, or your local emergency number.